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About Varied / Hobbyist Member MeganFemale/United States Groups :icondailyconcept: DailyConcept
 
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Writing a new story. I have removed all of the others I wrote, but I think I am willing to start and finish one now.
I woke up, feeling the usual depression already weighing me down. It was not going to be a good day. All I ever want is to wake up one morning and feel... real -- feel like I have moved past this, past whatever triggered my "condition."

That's what they call it, you know, a "condition." Whoever said that first needs to be shot. Like my everlasting sadness is some kind of disease that can be cured or, at the very least, treated by prescription medicine and a therapist.

Therapists are a joke too. They ask me, "What caused this?" and, "Let's explore your childhood further; I feel like the problem lies there."

I snort, hobbling to the master bathroom with a towel and a change of clothes in hand. No amount of "exploring" my past will "cure" me. I just feel... like I'm not worth anything; like I got educated for seventeen or eighteen years of my life for nothing. All I am capable of is photography and writing.

I have been published in photography magazines, the big ones, like, 'Pop Photography,' 'US Photo,' and 'Shuttermug.' I have received awards for my novels, which usually stem from all of the thoughts about how useless life is and general dismay about the future. I always write happy endings, though. I think some part of me wants to give someone hope, because I surely do not have any.

I turn the knob just above cold in the shower and wait for the slight warmth that sprays from the head. I strip out of my plain gray cotton t shirt, tossing my bed head in the process. I grimace as I catch sight of the mirror; this is no pleasant sight.

My face is haggard, making me look as though I have aged twenty years, though I am only twenty-four. My green eyes have gone pale and my skin has not seen sunlight in years and there is a spotting of acne just on my hairline from the recurring night sweats. My ribs are showing and there is hardly any muscle mass on my torso. What can I say? Eating is not really my highest priority, laying in bed all day is.

I wince as I run a hand through my hair, hating the feel of grease against my soft skin. If there is one thing I hate, it is being dirty; the dirt and stink, and grime make me heavier than the depression and makes me almost gag with disgust. I splash my face a couple of times to remove sleep and, remembering the shower was running, climb in to wash the grime of sleep away.

I pull my shampoo off of the shower ledge and squeeze a dab out -- less is more, as they say. As I wash my hair I relax, massaging my scalp slowly in my one peaceful moment of the day. I use the body wash quickly, focusing on pulse points and areas that receive little light.

This is my joy, being able to clear myself of the misery sleep brings my body each night. Not much of a thrilling moment, but it is all I have.

I turn the shower off and flip my hair out of my eyes, blindly reaching for my blue towel and nearly slipping on the non-slip shower mat. Figures. I place the towel loosely over my head and rub the dampness out of it.

My therapist said, "Go outside today, you are not the only person in the world struggling. Maybe, after seeing how hard it is for everyone else, you will gain a new sense of importance."

I scoffed, so she basically wants me to look at other people, pity them, and get some sort of joy from their pain. Like I have no empathy; I look at people going through something worse than I am and I want to help them, not use them for my own selfish reasons. But who am I to help the people of this city, this world? Yeah, sure I have a bachelor's degree, but where does that even come in handy?

I grab my tooth brush, towel still hanging on my head and spread some toothpaste on the bristles, sticking it in my mouth with one hand and rubbing the towel into my head with the other. I elbow the cracked door to my bedroom open and head to my window.

I open my curtains for the first time in months, the sun stinging my eyes for a blinding second before they adjusted. The busy streets were crowded with hundreds of people trying to get to work, school, Alcoholics Anonymous, and I smiled ironically.

Hello, world. Here I am, Matthew Rothers, the most boring person in the universe. I snort, continuing to brush my teeth and wrapping the towel around the back of my neck. My depressingly yellow bathroom walls grew closer, as I walked back, spitting into the sink and hanging my towel to dry.

I glance at my mirror reluctantly and I look... better. At the very least, my hair is no longer stringy and my eyes no longer drowsy. I combed my dark brown hair and, once it was dry, I pulled my eyebrow-length bangs back with some gel. It was not for style, more for practicality; as an "artist" I needed to keep my vision clear, but I was too lazy to get my hair cut and clips fell out too easily and made me look even more feminine.

I pull on some comfortable blue jeans and a crisp white shirt, loving the feeling of ironed dress shirt on my arms. I do not bother with a tie; this isn't a business meeting, just a casual walking and people-watching excursion through the streets of the city. I scrub my face with some acne treatment and wash my hands of the chemicals, feeling the burning layer of liquid dry on my skin.

I do a once over of my dreary one-room apartment and sigh. Who knows when I will see this room next? The floor boards creak as I make my way to my living room, grabbing my keys and wallet from an end table next to my old, ratty couch and head for the door.

Once I reach the impossible obstacle, I take a deep breath, realizing my apprehension is absolutely ridiculous, and reach for the handle. An image pops into my brain, one of the weather report from last night and it gives me an excuse to move away from the door to grab my jacket.

The jacket was as gray and miserable as my mind and I head for the door while slipping it on. Well, maybe I should dig through my seasonal clothing and find my scarf and gloves. As the thought pops into my mind, I fast-walk to my room, going straight for the dresser.

I take my time, shoving my sweaters to the side as I look for the articles halfheartedly. When I find them, a reluctant sigh leaves my mouth, dragging me back to reality as I slip on black, finger-less gloves and a striped gray scarf.

I rub my forehead with as much force as my skinny arms can muster. I am still crouched over the drawer to my dresser as my gloved hands rest over my nose as my mind races. My eyes dart back and forth as I quickly examine the possibilities of death, disease, social contact, and confrontation, all things I fear greatly.

I breathe deeply through my fingers and close my eyes, counting to ten as my first therapist told me. This is no time to be having a panic attack, there is no need for it. You'll be fine. I lie to myself as I rub my face one last time and quickly stand. I need to focus on the goal to appease the current therapist.

I race to the door before I change my mind, opening it and closing it. I immediately press myself against the door, breathing fast and trying to calm myself. A young girl and her mother --neighbors I never met -- pass by.

"Is he okay, Momma?" she tugs on her mothers scarf, quizzical.

Her mother does one of the thing that makes me cringe, proves to me I am not one meant for this world, she pulls her daughter close and hurries her along, speaking in a hushed tone, "You can't point at people like him."

I am insane to them. I am some crazy man who happens to have enough money to live near them. Avoid the crazy man and he will go away. This calms me as I chuckle to myself, hand gripping the shirt above my heart, feeling the beat slow.

I have to leave, get some fresh air, and examine the citizens of this fine, crime-ridden city and report back to my therapist tomorrow. At least she makes home visits.

I laugh again at the irony and glance down at my feet... my sock-less, shoe-less feet. I sigh, sullenly turning around and opening my door.

I grab my brown dress shoes and some short, white socks. I sit down on my green-striped couch and pull the socks and shoes on, calmer now.

After getting something on my feet, I shuffle to the door, already tired from the effort of the morning.

Before I know it, I am outside the apartment building, breathing fresh air and allowing the wind to caress my face and hair. It felt... good.

As good as sharp and bitterly cold wind can. I take a long, deep breath, smelling baking bread and coffee in the air surrounding me. If there was a coffee shop there before, I never noticed it, but I approach it nonetheless, figuring it was as good a place as any to start my "journey."

The moment I had been fearing is fast approaching; confrontation. Ordering breakfast for someone like me is like asking a pretty girl out on a date for a socially awkward teenager; not easy.

I walk into the shop and to the counter, holding my breath and bringing my arms in close to my body instinctively. I am tense.

Luckily, the shop is not crowded and there is only one man in front of me, talking to the young man at the counter. He leans in close, his posture matching that of a flirt. The man at the counter is throwing his head back and laughing. I do not see this much -- relationships forming -- so I watch and listen closely. Maybe watching those who are better off than me will improve my "condition."

They look happy, comfortable, interested, all things I have intense trouble with.

"-- ordering?" I hear the steady tone of the young man at the counter -- Jim, as his name tag suggests -- and blink back into reality.

"What?" I say slowly. My voice rough from lack of use and sleep.

He looks at me, amused, strangely, "Are you ordering?" he has a medium coffee cup in his hand, a phone number scrawled out underneath the name, Neil. I clear my throat, closing the distance between myself and the counter.

Jim has blonde, spiky hair and an extremely white smile. He is fit, a thin blue sweater stretching across his pectoral muscles underneath a black barista's apron. His dark brown eyes peer at me as he leans in, as though listening for the smallest of noises.

To avoid his gaze, I stake my eyes on the menu behind him, spotting what I wanted quickly enough, "Um, could I get a..." it leaves my mind as panic sets in, "a... uh..."

"Coffee?" he offers.

My breath increases in speed and I say, "Yes, and a croissant roll..." my speech leaves me as my eyes dart to a group of six girls entering the shop. I need air.

I hold a finger up and rush through the women, avoiding touching them and slamming through the door, immediately moving my hands to my knees and bending over, breathing in the freezing air. I compose myself and slowly walk back into the building.

To my surprise, Jim has stopped the women from ordering, placing the cup with the number on the counter for Neil. Jim uneasily smiles at me, motioning for me to return and finish ordering. I walk quickly to the counter and practically shout, "Large coffee and a breakfast croissant!" I huffed, relieved, "Please," I add as an afterthought.

The women look annoyed with me, but Jim looks surprised, as if that was the last thing he expected from me. His chiseled face slowly forms into a broad grin and he answers, "Coming right up, sir."

I hold hold my hand up for him to wait and ask, "Is there a bathroom here?"

He motions to a long, narrow hallway and I head straight for it, rushing in and releasing bile into the nearest toilet. I wretch and cough, tears leaving my eyes for a good few minutes before my stomach settles.

As I go to open the door, I hear a hushed, angry voice.

"You can't keep doing this, James, this isn't your hot spot for picking up guys," a burly man from the sound of his voice.

A sweeter voice whispers, "That isn't your business anymore," it is Jim.

"It isn't my business, huh?" his fury poured from his voice and into my pale ears, "Everything about you is my business, b***h! I'm the one paying you."

"But you aren't the one with me anymore, so back off."

"You..." his fury increases, "You'll regret this."

"What are you going to do? Lecture me to death?"

A sinister undertone creeps into the burly man's voice, "No."

I hear shuffling and then a loud bang against the wall next to the restroom door.

A heat I have never experienced before rushes through me, something I assume to be pure adrenaline. I tense and throw the door open, rushing to save the poor young man being pushed into the wall by the forearm of a large, bald man.

The bald man swings his head in my direction as I go the rip him off of Jim and I am slamming back into a chair at the end of the hallway, my head pounding against the wall behind it. My vision swims and I cannot see. Two figures rush into the hallway, grabbing the largest of the four as the shape I assume to be the kind barista appears in front of me.

He says, "Thank you," as my vision begins to return and I return it with a muggy welcome.

"Hey, are you alright?" a beautiful woman in a dark blue police uniform feels my head.

"M'fine. Just couldn't see for a minute," I lift myself and lean my back against the wall, chair digging into my leg. A light shines in my eyes and I squint.

"Doesn't look like a concussion," the light leaves, "That was a brave thing you did. I know it was in the heat of the moment, but that is quite a sense of judgement you have there," the brunette police woman smiles and I think about how nice of a smile it is. She is beautiful and it is all I can think about until she leaves, her attention now on the burly man.

If only I could see more of her. If only I could look into those hazel eyes for a few more seconds.

It takes only moments to realize I was still standing in the bathroom, still listening to the struggle outside. The selfless rescue and gorgeous woman a figment of my overactive imagination. I run back to the stall and continue retching.

Once finished -- for now -- I exit, spotting Jim sitting in the chair at the end of the hall, a fresh bruise on his friendly face. My eyes grow hot, but I tun away, unable to gain enough courage to apologize for not being whoever I was in my delusion. I walk to the counter and grab my purchased items, glancing at the worried, but still women from earlier.

I contemplate shooting them a glare for not having enough common human decency to help the poor man. I bite it back though, knowing I am am no better. My helping him was merely a fantasy that could never come true.
A True Hero Chapter One: Pointless
This story is about a severely depressed man who imagines what life as a hero would be like without ever meaning to.
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This status updater is MUCH more convenient than Journals. I am working on editing some self portraits and have gone back to drawing things sometimes. So this means you can expect more from me soon! :)

deviantID

smartangel10
Megan
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
For those of you who love my work because it is art and not anything else, I welcome you and love you as well. :)
I just want to point out before someone notes me about it for the umpteenth time: I will NEVER be anyone's model, I will never take a nude pic, the pictures I take with a zipper down or something undone are of me putting clothes ON not off (or symbolic of something much bigger than what you are seeing, such as vulnerability or pressure), and if you get any funny ideas I will block you (and I have done this). I also do not appreciate the word "sexy"; it makes me feel like I am not the intelligent and hardworking person I am.
I am underage and I want to be a photographer and a writer on the side of being a doctor so buzz off. I am extremely serious about my work and do not appreciate crude comments. May I just reiterate the FACT that I am underage and anyone looking at these photos with lecherous eyes is a pedophile.
All I have to say. :)
Interests
I have almost been a deviant for seven years now and, while I may have taken a few extended vacations from it, I always come back. deviantART is one of the only places I can express my true feelings and thoughts. I have posted all types of artwork on here since the day my sister iconagent-angel made an account for me in 2007 for my eleventh birthday.

I started off posting doodles I did on Paint, that were later deleted because I did not see artistic value in them.

I then posted a bunch of photos I took at my uncle's home and realized what my true calling was. I found out how much I enjoyed photography and wanted to see how much more I could do with it.
Pretzels SMILE by smartangel10 My sister and the sun by smartangel10 Stained glass bird of paradise by smartangel10

After discovering I liked photography, I wanted to experiment with other forms of art and went on to draw all of the time for three years. You could say I did not pay much attention in middle school... -_-'
Hippie-Ava by smartangel10 Secluded by smartangel10 Mirror Image by smartangel10 Vampires Skate? by smartangel10 Should I Kiss Her? by smartangel10

Along with my kick for drawing -- which was not very good -- I still continued to photograph anything I thought looked just right.
Tree 2 by smartangel10 Rocks, birds, and trees by smartangel10 Snowy Wolf by smartangel10 

However, I ended up dropping it for quite a while...

I soon found out you could actually color art on the computer and experimented with that, half failing, half succeeding. 
Blue heart by smartangel10 Digital-Kiss by smartangel10 Digital-ImNotHappyWithYou by smartangel10 Avi Art 2- xXBitterStarliteXx by smartangel10 Avi Art 3 by smartangel10

In middle school, I also attempted to write poems. It was a rather depressing year, so writing always seemed to cheer me up.
Missing YouA stormy night
May bring me fright
But when I'm with you
I have a clue
The wind may blow
My heart may beat
But you are unique
A warm glow in the winter
A bubble in the water
A snowflake up high
When I'm with you
I don't have to cry
A leaf in the wind
A star in the sky
They are all unique
Just like you were
A necklace left to me
A heart crushed in serenity
You didn't have to go
Will you wait for me?
By: Megan Shuler
  15 minutes to waterTapping at my desk
Nothing to do
Twiddling my thumbs
Grabbing at my clothes
My mouth is dry
My throat is scratchy
Water can't be gotten
The classrom is too hot
My clothes just hurt a lot
I need to get some water
Before I die of dehydration
I didn't get much sleep
Three hours at the least
Before I left my house
I chugged a glass of water
Now my throat is dry again
I'm starting to lose it
My eyes are drooping
So I write a simple poem
To keep my mind distracted
Instead of writing something helpful
I think Ive written something painful -_-'''
By: Megan Shuler
  5 minutes to the bellFive minutes to the bell
Excitement fills me up
Soon it will be goodbye
The weekend!
I can sense it
It is getting really close
No more homework
Bells or Math class
My foot is starting to wiggle
As I begin the process
Of cleaning up my stuff
Oh boy, its really here!
I open up my locker
Running down the stairs
Finally I'm out!
Of this torturous school time!
By: Megan Shuler
  Sadish poemsDISAPPEARING
Leave or stay
it doen't really matter
as long as you come back
and heal my crooked smile
Laugh or cry
be it pained or loved
I know I count the ways
you all hate me on the inside
but you show me that smile
I'm dumb enough to smile back
thinking we're freinds
when all you are is annoyed
would you like it if I just
Disappeared.
INVISIBLE
Stealing my best friend
do you think that its alright?
Ignore me as you will
but calling me a liar
You're just going to far
Loud beating drums
they fill my ears
Yet no one listens
no one sees me...
Invisibility.
CHARADES
The lies in your smile
they just don't fool me
I know it already
Do you think i'm that dense?
Laughing and playing
all not including me
Your face just annoys me
so why dont you just stop?
Your guilty games of
Charades.
LONESOME
You make me lonely
with your stupid lies
I can tell already
that I am drifting
in the outside world
You have a bubble
that I may enter
but I am not welcomed in
Lonliness.
SLOW DANCE
My ex doesn't want


My I.D.'s, early on, were created by my sister, as she was the skilled photographer in the family.
clouds go by by smartangel10 ID 2.0 by smartangel10 mound o' books by smartangel10



I attempted a 100 concepts challenge and still have yet to complete it...
2. Love by smartangel10 4. Dark by smartangel10 14. Smile by smartangel10 5. Seeking Solace. by smartangel10 10. Breathe Again. by smartangel10 


I had two friends in middle school that I did virtually everything with and they showed themselves in my art a lot.
Doodles 1 by smartangel10 Random doodles 0 by smartangel10 Doodles 2 by smartangel10 Doodles 3 by smartangel10 2 YEARS AND RUNNING by smartangel10 BUDS by smartangel10 Opposites by smartangel10

A few times, I attempted to draw characters from other things.
Maaka Karin- Chibi Vampire 1 by smartangel10 Maaka Karin by smartangel10 6. Break Away. by smartangel10 Onii-chan for contest by smartangel10 Chloe Saunders by smartangel10

My sister and I came up with a seven sins based concept for a story, but never stuck with it.
Envy by smartangel10 Greed by smartangel10 Lust by smartangel10 Pride by smartangel10 Sloth by smartangel10 Wrath by smartangel10

The seventh sin drawing (gluttony) was a fail, so it got deleted.

My sister also started letting me take photos for her and keeping a few for my account.
Little Shadow by smartangel10 I'm coming to get yooouuuu by smartangel10 Peek-A-Boo by smartangel10 conscience by smartangel10 Nightmares by smartangel10 Sunspots by smartangel10

We collaborated on a few other things as well. One of them being a photo of my concept.
Sadness by smartangel10 -SinkingShip- by smartangel10 -JustLina- by smartangel10 -NerdHumperLMV- by smartangel10 thoriri by smartangel10

During this time I got back into poetry, feeling down again.
SenselessSenseless people all around me
They don't realize I am here
I wave I speak
But they don't hear
The world is white
So they don't see
The real me peeking out of its shell
Scratching, pounding
Trying to escape
No one will ever know this one
This real me
It will stay in its shell poking out
Until someone finally hears me
  L-O-V-EIt isn't candy and rainbows
It isn't darkness and hatred
All opinions are off!
All hands are up!
You feel defeated
But you feel happy
The world is collapsing around you
But it is building itself again
It is too complicated to explain
The feeling that you get
But unrequited love
Is something you never forget...
  Stress ReliefFeel Like you wanna cry
Just open up your eyes
Put a pout on your face
And take a shallow breath
Let the tears slide out and down
We can only be human
The days can go as long
Or as short as they feel
But when I'm alone
This is a great escape
These fake tears feel better
Than the fake smiles you wear
'Cause deep inside you know
These tears are no longer fake
You hold frustration in
You hold your stress back
But when you're alone
It feels just like a heart attack
Like an acid rain hitting your face
It doesn't feel wet
It only burns
Your body needs a release
Your eyes need a rest
Your heart needs to see
But can no longer feel
Your heart cannot see
Without a glaze
It cannot feel
Without that haze
The haze that comes from tears
Pushing their way through ducts
And clouding your mind
Letting your heart take control
Your feelings fly
You can say anything
Vent to yourself
Without consequence
When it's all over
Your mind comes back
And your eyes clear out
You take your sleeve
To wipe away the st
  Nature Inspires MeIt's nature that inspires me
The creatures that are roaming free
Their feathers and their pointed teeth
Their fur cut into knife and sheath
It's nature that inspires me
Look up at the sky you'll see
Fluffy clouds gone in the breeze
The sun that may burn or freeze
It's nature that inspires me
The blueness of the open sea
The wild waves that crash and clash
That wrap around in azure sash
It's nature that inspires me
The leafy thing that we call tree
The many colors falling down
Encircling heads like a crown
It's nature that inspires me
The human that will rest on knees
The joints and all digestive things
The way we tug on our heart strings
It's you that may inspire me
The one that holds my rusted key
And when I heard that clicking sound
I knew it's love that I had found
  Commit MeWhen the young girl woke up, she found a family that was not her own
The sister she had known to love had become a green-eyed devil, taunting her
The loving mother, a bystander, not caring to intervene
The strict but beloved father, fuel to the devil's power
The devil endlessly gnawed at her nerves
When confronted with torturous noises, she screamed to drown it out
Her own words became twisted in her ears as she cried
She screamed and picked up her feet, stumbling along the way
Forever hoping there was one place that had not been thrown into flames
She locked herself in the haven, feeling the coolest breeze as she rushed in
She found hope in a new friend, and told him of her woes
Somehow her tales were twisted, transformed into painful bursts of noise
Though her throat pained her so, she stood tall and picked herself up
She opened the iron door, walking through the flames of Hell
She knew to slay the beast, she need only confront it
She slowly descended what used to be a mountain of fl
  Lying is a CrimeThe flying object comes to me
Smack dab on the head
A voice beside me asks,"...okay?"
A kind and angered mask
I hide the pain
Just say I'm fine
Though my head objects
I do not voice, or speak, or say
The feelings that are yearned
The screams are resonating
They're burning at my eyes
They cannot hope to wonder
The thoughts that I surmise
I've done this many times before
Just showing what they want
I don't think I've said a thing
That didn't fraction lies
On the true inside I scream
Chipping at my shell
I'll just keep on wondering
What that would be like
It's said that lies are overrated
That would lead to my demise
They say that some people are kind
Now wouldn't that surprise?
If all lying is a crime
Let's all go downtown
I'll say it just one time
Lying is a crime.


While trying to get my group started, I attempted to do solely digital pieces.
Day 1: Fairy by smartangel10 Day 2: Seagulls by smartangel10 Fade To Black by smartangel10

A kick start led me to do solo photography once again, regaining confidence in myself.
On The Road To Your Horizon by smartangel10 Rainbow Tower by smartangel10 Take my picture, World by smartangel10 With You in My Bright Eyes by smartangel10 Our Sun is Forever by smartangel10 What a World by smartangel10 Why Can't I Fly So High by smartangel10

At some point I attempted to create a portfolio for myself and got into collages.
Portfolio Summary by smartangel10 Unused Spirit Week Section 1 by smartangel10

I came up with an idea I am still working with to combine my poems, photography, and Photoshop skills.
Lying is a Crime: Creative by smartangel10 Nature Inspires Me: Creative by smartangel10 L-O-V-E: Creative by smartangel10

I was looking back at my previous work one day and realized my drawing had improved, so I recreated a few old ones.
Redo(Hottie) by smartangel10 Redo(Hippie-Ava) by smartangel10 Redo(Mirror Image) by smartangel10 Redo(Secluded) by smartangel10

I experimented with a few more things and then I really blossomed... but not before I experimented.
Eyes by smartangel10 Playing the Melody by smartangel10 Ponytail by smartangel10 Memory by smartangel10 Luffy by smartangel10 Vacation by smartangel10 Hypnotism by smartangel10 Happiness by smartangel10 Background by smartangel10 Princess by smartangel10 Someday (Finish) by smartangel10

After this, I started posting in hoards, lighting my watchers' message box up like crazy. I was proud of everything I posted and earned an uncanny confidence.
Self Portrait 8 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 18 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 22 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 30 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 38 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 43 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 45 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 47 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 56 by smartangel10 Together by smartangel10 Peace by smartangel10 Melancholy by smartangel10 Goodnight by smartangel10 Half a Life by smartangel10 Smile by smartangel10 Hello by smartangel10 To This by smartangel10 White Sheets by smartangel10 Sun Kisses by smartangel10 Focus by smartangel10 Picture Perfect by smartangel10 Self Portrait 67 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 74 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 79 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 83 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 86 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 89 by smartangel10 Self Portrait 92 by smartangel10  JoyfulWhat happened to those joyful days?
Those lengthy hugs
And warmer ways
That now you’ve lost in every way.
You let me sit and cry and scream
But you don’t think to do a thing;
You hurt me in a way so bad
My heart is throbbing, growing sad.
This loneliness I’m feeling now,
This empty shell I have become,
Is all I know and all I can be.


After a blow-up of creepy old men and unsavory comments, though, I toned it down and began posting other photography. I still, however, felt happy and comfortable with it.
Beauty in the Mojave by smartangel10 Sunset Through a Tree's Perspective by smartangel10 Simplicity by smartangel10 Minuscule... by smartangel10 Human Ability by smartangel10 Move Through Me by smartangel10 Searching by smartangel10 Finally by smartangel10 Fence by smartangel10 Want This? by smartangel10 Chocolate Breath by smartangel10  SardonicThis is my life now
Standing on a cloud that
Does not really exist
Falling, falling
Ever fasterever fasterever fasterever fasterever fasterever faster
My heart is racing
At the speed of light;
My mind cannot handle
The emotion,
The torrent of life
Finally rushing at me,
Finally targeting me
With its vicious gaze.
The heat on my skin,
My face is burning.
The blotches cover it,
Taking over,
Ever fasterever fasterever fasterever fasterever fasterever faster
My friends,
My time,
My life,
They are running out
I have nothing.
I am a ticking time bomb,
My head is ready to explode
With these thoughts and faces,
These ideas and names
That haunt me
In my every waking momentmomentmomentmomentmomentmoment
Why is life so hard,
So complex?
Why can things not just be simple?
Why must it be
A twisted funnel of
Never-ending hate
And war and
Ongoing torture that
I know is meant for me.
My life is a constant
Myriad of death
And my heart is
A glass box.
The glass is cracking...
My reality is falling apart
 Loss of Vibrance by smartangel10 Plane by smartangel10 Blur by smartangel10 Sparkle by smartangel10 Equality by smartangel10 Spotlight by smartangel10 Studio by smartangel10 Yellow by smartangel10 Cast Your Shadow by smartangel10 Bleachers by smartangel10 Frost Leaves by smartangel10 Favorites by smartangel10 

I attempted, recently, to create my own user icon and it turned out all right.
Large Pixel by smartangel10 Close Up by smartangel10

After my long break from self portraits, I am back with them, as I feel they allow me to show my strength. More than self portraits, though, I want to take photos of people.
Hold Memories Closer to You by smartangel10 You Are Too Bright by smartangel10 The Stars Seem Dull by smartangel10 

I have celebrated with deviantART for six birthdays now and hope to continue to be able to say THANK YOU to them.
dA's Tenth B-day by smartangel10 dA Contest and B-Day present by smartangel10

HAPPY 14th BIRTHDAY dA! My life would not be complete without you!
 
  • Mood: dA Love
  • Listening to: Silence
  • Reading: College Applications
  • Watching: Kim Possible
  • Drinking: Key lime flavored sparkling water

Journal History

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:iconhythamkalefe:
Hythamkalefe Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you
Reply
:iconsmartangel10:
smartangel10 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You are welcome!
Reply
:iconcarlywilliamson:
carlywilliamson Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014   Photographer
:blowkiss: Thanks for :+fav: 'ing my work! :)
Reply
:iconsmartangel10:
smartangel10 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
'Course!
Reply
:iconspiritofdarkness:
Spiritofdarkness Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014
:iconllamajumpplz: thanks for the llama :)
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